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mid week thoughts

It so so odd how time can pass so slowly and so quickly at the same time. When I am by myself here, working from home with the exception of a few hours babysitting, the days can seem to last forever.


But then, I turn the page in my datebook and see that a month has flown by. In the days when David is gone there is a distinct lack of football sounds, I cling to my dogs, I panic over potential disasters. In short, I don’t tend to flourish when I am alone. My mind defaults to panic mode. I get obsessive, check locks, check outlets, set and re-set the house alarm. I want to live peacefully alone. I want to desperately. I want to take the time and cook, take photos, take classes, read, and just be normal. I have really been taking note of those moments where I feel satisfied and I feel at peace, so that I know how to recreate them. Tonight I am in bed, with the lamp on and a candle lit, and I can hear the rain. I babysat, worked out, and achieved a few other around the house goals. All of these things help. I will work on cooking a nice meal once the thought of a grocery trip doesn’t sound exhausting. This is how it goes for a codependent woman struggling with depression and anxiety. These are my mid-week thoughts.

xo

(flowers by Bows and Arrows)

4 Comments

  1. It’s funny, I was just thinking about this very subject last night. I really enjoy time alone, and I can spend a whole evening putzing around by myself–but I fall apart when I have to fall asleep by myself. How I wish I could just conk out without a care in the world–instead, I start obsessing, making lists and running my little hamster brain until the wheels practically fall off!

    Dammit.

    • Exactly! Sleeping is the worst. I have basically been sleeping with David for 8 years and before that roommates and family. Sleeping has always been rough for me, so alone it is just terrible. I am glad to hear it’s not just me!

  2. Thanks for posting this. I know that I’m fine when Ethan is gone at work, but the minute he tells me has all night staff duty or a two day training trip in the mountains, I freak! Those nights are, well, awful. Especially since anyone else I can talk to is asleep by 7 pm my time. All you can do is move forward on the other stuff. =)

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