I know that it isn’t summer quite yet, and that because I am in Houston, I am experiencing more heat than others, but nevertheless I have a couple of things to say about the pressures that come along with warm weather. Last April I had just come out of residential treatment in Philadelphia and the thought of returning to Texas, where I knew the temperatures were already near boiling, terrified me. The thought of wearing something sleeveless, or heaven forbid, a swimsuit, paralyzed me. I spent last summer in more layers than you can imagine. Leggings, tunics, and cardigans remained on my body even during August. There are so many fears that come along with baring your body. Even the fittest most gorgeous girls I know obsesses over their bodies when it comes to swimsuits. I have been known to completely avoid any activities where swimming or lounging in the heat is on the agenda. I nearly cancelled a trip David and I had with our great friends last fall because it was a beach vacation.
Now, think about how it feels to be suspended in water. Think about how incredibly relaxing it is to hear waves on a beach or drink a margarita at the pool. I have spent too many summers thinking that the people around me who said that no one cared how much cellulite I had were liars. Sweet liars, but liars none the less. I want to float! I know that this is easier said then done, but my goal is to wear fabulous caftans and then not give a shit when I have to take them off. I want to be healthy, I have goals, but I do not want to miss out this summer. There are already ads on tv, pressuring us to get “bikini-ready.” Please challenge them with me. My game plan is retro swimsuit designs and remembering that my friends have loved me through weight loss and weight gain, and not in-spite of these things, but because if I hadn’t obsessively pointed my body out to them, they probably wouldn’t have even noticed. I am actually in tears writing this post, I know that challenging my core beliefs about my body and about the worth I have based on how I see myself in the mirror, is one of the most challenging things I go through. My worth is not based on how my bod looks in a swimsuit. I’m going to let that be my mantra.
PS. Isn’t that gingham suit the cutest?